although i got this chance to have an early sleep, i chose not to. i chose to write what i felt and what i went thru just now. it was a hard battle for me. although a hard battle for my team mates, i felt that the impact of injuries was so much larger than i thought and so much larger than others.

my wounds are slightly healed when i listened to music, and watched the repeat of my fav show.

i got lost in my own world again. my life is blissful for 2 hours. but it wasnt enough to getrid of the scar left. i still feel very bad, guilty, embarrassed and all the nouns and adjectives u can think of. 

i guess i deserved these feelings. who asked me not to be prepared? who asked me to do last min work?? leaving a few hours for me to rehearse and it's just one rehearsal, a lousy one somemore.

i don't get it. i felt confident when i was rehearsing. i lost it all when i'm faced with those faces with brains of geniuses. i feeel weak i feel so beaten down. i feel like i'm the beggar, and they are those stars on the stage. beggar to become a star?  maybe this e.g. is cmi, ok. how bout a disastrous singer wishes to be like the great and beautiful singer on stage? or a kid who has no knowledge was beside the smart kid who knows everything, and that kid wishes to be like him and worships him becos he's smart?

what's the underlying cause??? before i go deeper, i'd say the content of my part is very ambiguous. during the construction of my slides and to the point of rehearsal, i know what i was talking about. But just so suddenly, i realised that i lost all kinds of magical powers to command myself to work with the flow i constructed. it seems like i dun know what to say when i see them. i don't understand what i was talking. no words were able to flow from my brains out of the mouth. 

stutters. pauses. repeats. mistakes.

there are quite a no. of reasons that got together to make me felt my worst of my life. Seriously. never in my whole entire jcu life had i felt this way. i had.. but not to this detrimental extent. becos i am now in 4th year... hons year, i'm competing my luck with at least 10 smart brainers. critical analysing minds.

presented before them once or twice...and i made a fool out of myself before. now, again, i had the same feeling. plus i feel like i'm so strange to my notes.

just now i said there's underlying factors?? before i delve deeper, let's just tackle surface... what i  said just now was the air.

some surface problems i faced are 

1. not prepared, that is why i have to read what i wrote for my notes

2 do not understand the flow and the meaning of what i wrote in the slides.

3. negative affect at the beginning of ppt,

and as to why i cant present well was becos i was feeling 'pressurized' to take on the role of a 'leader' . i cant conduct a short ppt on my own such as havin to direct people, and giving clear instruction.

I missed out on how to be a leader. that is, to be firm and confident of what one's doing and to direct the class into the direction of understanding e ppt and to participate after understanding clearly. there is no clear direction. 

I do not see the 'command' i should exude. wat i felt was being very 'polite' that is too 'ke qi', scared here scared there that kind. 

i felt that i shouldnt do that to them. that ws what i felt... this is will lead to the underlying reasons why i felt i failed myself.

to be confident, is to 'not look at your notes, and know what to say, how to make it interesting. but becos of this, i felt that all the more i shouldnt look at my notes too. and thats what i did... in the end i had a hard time regurgitating out what i recalled. stammerin and tone makes the whole thing so boring

also, i felt that i was not interestin anymore as compared to other group members.  i felt that i' was a bore to people. that adds on to my panic without the notes. plus, the position i was standing was not natural enough for me to think smoothly and have eye contact with the audience. 

no eye contact- no interest- no audience

so now comes the underlying factor. i look up to them too much that i often wish that i could talk to them and mingle with them like how Louis did and how they did. yes.. kenneth mel jac with sam and lyn's group. oh.. and with joshua and matthias.

they are the 'evaluative' group. they analyses things thoroughly. or rather.. they think and they are able to voice out their opinions. 

looking up too much to them makes me feel even more inferior.  and so much so that it kinda influenced my timidity of not expressing my views.

yes.. i do admit sadly that i feel nervous or bad and lousy when i voiced out my point becos i always believe that my point is not a point. even if it is, it's not a well analyzed one and it is not sufficient to bring out what i want to say. i also realised that i have difficulty in expressing myself

so as you inferred from the above short paragraph, you can see that this whole inferiority pattern is actually a vicious cycle. it fuels each other and it's never ending... somewhere somehow, you need to have a breakthrough.

the thing now is HOW!? belief?? or confidence is more impt?? or is it something else that i have to improve on? looks??

 *nver nver say that you peabrain* what matters most is your wit.

yes.. your intelligence and your charisma.. and how to get your charisma?? be confident and speak well of your analysed thoughts.

going back to my most feared thing about myself, to say the wrong words atthe wrong time to the wrong person. i tried very hard in this area. i just don't know why i always stumble upon this area in my life. is it my upbringing? or is it that my common sense/knowledge is not enough? is is my experience with life?

what is it actually??

that is why i take up this course. but it seems that i'm studying for nothing. i cant even discover myself thru this course! in fact, i am setting against myself by studying. i feeel even worst when i'm in 4th year becos i know that i have to grow up and be an adult.. and think like an adult. however, until now, i cant.. or rather... i dont do it well. what i study were all returned back. why am i suffering from these kind of 'amnesia'?? or is it psychological?? is itbecos i dun like so i dun bother to even rmb?? i don't know.. i learnt alot and i find them interesting seriously!

i think i believe that i'm still stucked at the adolescent stage.. the immatured kind that is. i cant transit! there's no one to guide me to transit to adult hood. what is adulthood? what is adolescent?? physically i am adult... psychologically, i want to be like an adult but at the same time, retain the youthfulness in me. but mentally, i still feel like a kid. i feel so lost.

perhaps until now, you would have reach out to the mouse and click the address and delete and imput a new url. this is too long winded...and nomb-none of my biz

but i dont care abt you. i feel terrible whenever i'm faced with this qn of life again and again and again and again....etc.

perhaps rachel my fren, who keeps asking me to go to her COOS (church) would eagerly drag me to become a Christian and say God will have alll the answers to your qn. i dont like these kind of persuasion. it's all about self discovery after all if you look at it plainly.

and occasionally, some light would shine on you and guide to a path. yes.. torch light to wake u up and face the reality.

can i just read books.. and maybe bible to know that?? i ono.

i should be sleeping now. it's 2.08am.

i feel like i'm nothing in this world afterall. living is useless and i feel like i'm not contributing this family at all.. yes.. in the future.. i mean income.

good night world, i'm off cuddling in my arms of tears