Monday, November 23, 2009 11/23/2009 01:13:00 PM
lesson no. 63---what is ur attachment style?
how shalt i start?
ok.. previously i lamented on how much i missed a big fish and at that moment i thought it was over for me. The only person whom i regard to be the perfect person was gone... like *Poof*
I was thinking day and night about this issue and all the 'what-ifs' what if he's taken? what if i'm left on the shelf.. what if there's no one else who wants me.. ......etc...
Those are unduly worries now that i think back. Ok... plus now, i'm doing a proj on adult attachment, i realised that my attachment style wavers between preoccupied and fearful. this is so embarrassing ok!? who doesnt wish one has secure attachment?? But i guess... we cant change that fact.. our attachment style guides us to how we carry ourselves and how we perceive things... etc..
So after much work from the 4day temp job and my research and proj.. i've come to adjust myself to accept this bloody fact.
I'm losing this so called friend now.. because i've gain a new one.
Perhaps it's the age gap that's why. different perspective in lives and how we carry ourselves.
I've discovered myself a little more now...that i like guys below 30. muahaha! yeah... this friend i just know is still studying. and i think he's weird?? perhaps too much of studying had caused him to be a little bit ding-dang. he speaks as if we're in some fantasy island... talking abt that.. i should save alll our conversation! some of which were sweet, some of which were lame and very.. childhood like (not that i don't want to say 'childish' but the fact is.. i enjoyed our convo so much that it doesnt seems childish to me)
He once triggered me to even consider he has psychiatric prob... being all so friendly.. and hmm there is more to what i had in mind... just cant rmb now... and i asked him to do this attachment style questionnaire online... www.yourpersonality.net
yeah.. that's fyi!
he said he's secure. gosh.. definitely. i should have guessed it.. he speaks of such confidence and not shy about quite a no of things.. he dares to speak as if he's a partner? I dunno... maybe he sees it as if he's some friend who knows me like a brotherly-sisterly r/s. But then again... i'm under the insecure segment... icant comment much abt this
he even called to clarify why i was dodgy abt the issue we talked abt.. that is the 'hope thingey' yeah.. we had the same experience in this meeting new friend and having hopes abt the opposite.. and yeah.... quite weird to talk abt that.... no clear answers there..(a sign of insecurity here! >.<) but we said we werent thinking too much.. he thought i thought too much... i said i didnt...
well.. maybe i did.. but i would like to keep snapping myself back to reality... this pull-back action i'd do once in a while when i am submersed in the whole bantering... i dun like using the word 'flirt' here.. sounds so not.... 'secure here' haha!
sounds not me... i'd say. haha! maybe i did it unknowingly( or knowingly) but i'd prefer not to name it...
I seriously enjoyed alll that he's said on msn and on phone... its very intriguing... i was totally captured by his confidence and how he's able to act the way he is... like being an adult at a time and being a kid.. .at all times. haha! oh.. and i somehow played along w him of the whole fantasy thing.. like he's he devil and i'm the 'henchmen' called Devlyn?? damn.. such weird name he gave.. it was from Devilyn to Devlyn that is... -_-"
i know it's stupid.. it's lame!!! but i guess he's stressed out.. that's why the 'psychiatric' symptoms start showing. it would get worst when it's in the night and he's tired.. why would i know that?? e.g. i deflated his happiness( cant rmb what kind) and i said i was joking.. he said he'll forgive me if i said i love him.. so that! apparently portrayed his symptoms.. that he's delved deeper into his fantasy island. i was like.. this is so not true..
oh oh.. i almost misinterpreted what he said when he said i was pretty and he loves me..
as he broke it down, he meant it as i was pretty with words and he loves me like you know.. any one else.. like the brother sister.. friends kind of love??
gosh.. that's so misleading ok?? i dun like that! lucky it ws not face to face.. and lucky i don't show red ears or face when i'm shy. HOHO!
-_-
Girls just wanna have fun! *plays the song*
*snaps back to reality* ok.. did a search.. He's Virgo.. and it's the 'compatible' sign for my sign?? But then again... i do not wish to have high hopes.. it's tiring to snap back.. i wish i would be clear-headed... it's just a few days of chat! it cant really prove anything right??
Bsides, he said he'd like to thank me for being w him thru his 'dark times'.. which is the exam. haha!
So... yeah.. secured people are not thinking too much.. they just did it for fun.. they just thought this way is how friendship is formed...
and insecured people (me) shld just quit thinking about knowing the lines...where the cut is and where is the clear area... i know the conclusion... so i don't need to know the process and the clear lines.. all i need to know is that... what forms the conclusion is the fuzzy line that determines relationship and friendship.
Oh thanks to him.. i was able to forget that big fish..and to discover more abt myself. haha!