I like myself

Tuesday, September 29, 2009 9/29/2009 12:27:00 AM

lesson 52--inferiority

i'm writing this at 1.11 am of tues.. a few hours after e end of 3 hour long presentation.

although i got this chance to have an early sleep, i chose not to. i chose to write what i felt and what i went thru just now. it was a hard battle for me. although a hard battle for my team mates, i felt that the impact of injuries was so much larger than i thought and so much larger than others.

my wounds are slightly healed when i listened to music, and watched the repeat of my fav show.

i got lost in my own world again. my life is blissful for 2 hours. but it wasnt enough to getrid of the scar left. i still feel very bad, guilty, embarrassed and all the nouns and adjectives u can think of.

i guess i deserved these feelings. who asked me not to be prepared? who asked me to do last min work?? leaving a few hours for me to rehearse and it's just one rehearsal, a lousy one somemore.

i don't get it. i felt confident when i was rehearsing. i lost it all when i'm faced with those faces with brains of geniuses. i feeel weak i feel so beaten down. i feel like i'm the beggar, and they are those stars on the stage. beggar to become a star? maybe this e.g. is cmi, ok. how bout a disastrous singer wishes to be like the great and beautiful singer on stage? or a kid who has no knowledge was beside the smart kid who knows everything, and that kid wishes to be like him and worships him becos he's smart?

what's the underlying cause??? before i go deeper, i'd say the content of my part is very ambiguous. during the construction of my slides and to the point of rehearsal, i know what i was talking about. But just so suddenly, i realised that i lost all kinds of magical powers to command myself to work with the flow i constructed. it seems like i dun know what to say when i see them. i don't understand what i was talking. no words were able to flow from my brains out of the mouth.

stutters. pauses. repeats. mistakes.

there are quite a no. of reasons that got together to make me felt my worst of my life. Seriously. never in my whole entire jcu life had i felt this way. i had.. but not to this detrimental extent. becos i am now in 4th year... hons year, i'm competing my luck with at least 10 smart brainers. critical analysing minds.

presented before them once or twice...and i made a fool out of myself before. now, again, i had the same feeling. plus i feel like i'm so strange to my notes.

just now i said there's underlying factors?? before i delve deeper, let's just tackle surface... what i said just now was the air.

some surface problems i faced are

1. not prepared, that is why i have to read what i wrote for my notes

2 do not understand the flow and the meaning of what i wrote in the slides.

3. negative affect at the beginning of ppt,

and as to why i cant present well was becos i was feeling 'pressurized' to take on the role of a 'leader' . i cant conduct a short ppt on my own such as havin to direct people, and giving clear instruction.

I missed out on how to be a leader. that is, to be firm and confident of what one's doing and to direct the class into the direction of understanding e ppt and to participate after understanding clearly. there is no clear direction.

I do not see the 'command' i should exude. wat i felt was being very 'polite' that is too 'ke qi', scared here scared there that kind.

i felt that i shouldnt do that to them. that ws what i felt... this is will lead to the underlying reasons why i felt i failed myself.

to be confident, is to 'not look at your notes, and know what to say, how to make it interesting. but becos of this, i felt that all the more i shouldnt look at my notes too. and thats what i did... in the end i had a hard time regurgitating out what i recalled. stammerin and tone makes the whole thing so boring

also, i felt that i was not interestin anymore as compared to other group members. i felt that i' was a bore to people. that adds on to my panic without the notes. plus, the position i was standing was not natural enough for me to think smoothly and have eye contact with the audience.

no eye contact- no interest- no audience

so now comes the underlying factor. i look up to them too much that i often wish that i could talk to them and mingle with them like how Louis did and how they did. yes.. kenneth mel jac with sam and lyn's group. oh.. and with joshua and matthias.

they are the 'evaluative' group. they analyses things thoroughly. or rather.. they think and they are able to voice out their opinions.

looking up too much to them makes me feel even more inferior. and so much so that it kinda influenced my timidity of not expressing my views.

yes.. i do admit sadly that i feel nervous or bad and lousy when i voiced out my point becos i always believe that my point is not a point. even if it is, it's not a well analyzed one and it is not sufficient to bring out what i want to say. i also realised that i have difficulty in expressing myself

so as you inferred from the above short paragraph, you can see that this whole inferiority pattern is actually a vicious cycle. it fuels each other and it's never ending... somewhere somehow, you need to have a breakthrough.

the thing now is HOW!? belief?? or confidence is more impt?? or is it something else that i have to improve on? looks??

*nver nver say that you peabrain* what matters most is your wit.

yes.. your intelligence and your charisma.. and how to get your charisma?? be confident and speak well of your analysed thoughts.

going back to my most feared thing about myself, to say the wrong words atthe wrong time to the wrong person. i tried very hard in this area. i just don't know why i always stumble upon this area in my life. is it my upbringing? or is it that my common sense/knowledge is not enough? is is my experience with life?

what is it actually??

that is why i take up this course. but it seems that i'm studying for nothing. i cant even discover myself thru this course! in fact, i am setting against myself by studying. i feeel even worst when i'm in 4th year becos i know that i have to grow up and be an adult.. and think like an adult. however, until now, i cant.. or rather... i dont do it well. what i study were all returned back. why am i suffering from these kind of 'amnesia'?? or is it psychological?? is itbecos i dun like so i dun bother to even rmb?? i don't know.. i learnt alot and i find them interesting seriously!

i think i believe that i'm still stucked at the adolescent stage.. the immatured kind that is. i cant transit! there's no one to guide me to transit to adult hood. what is adulthood? what is adolescent?? physically i am adult... psychologically, i want to be like an adult but at the same time, retain the youthfulness in me. but mentally, i still feel like a kid. i feel so lost.

perhaps until now, you would have reach out to the mouse and click the address and delete and imput a new url. this is too long winded...and nomb-none of my biz

but i dont care abt you. i feel terrible whenever i'm faced with this qn of life again and again and again and again....etc.

perhaps rachel my fren, who keeps asking me to go to her COOS (church) would eagerly drag me to become a Christian and say God will have alll the answers to your qn. i dont like these kind of persuasion. it's all about self discovery after all if you look at it plainly.

and occasionally, some light would shine on you and guide to a path. yes.. torch light to wake u up and face the reality.

can i just read books.. and maybe bible to know that?? i ono.

i should be sleeping now. it's 2.08am.

i feel like i'm nothing in this world afterall. living is useless and i feel like i'm not contributing this family at all.. yes.. in the future.. i mean income.

good night world, i'm off cuddling in my arms of tears

Saturday, September 19, 2009 9/19/2009 10:39:00 PM

lesson 51-Martial arts

I think martial arts gives people the impression that you're cool and sporty and all the positivity... for a guy, it is added bonus becos girls swoon over them.

like me over shark boy--- martial artist since six Taylor Lautner.

how cute was he???? i like him even more when he does the angry look as shark boy. he's got characteristic

i like his pearl white teeth.. soooo big and nice to see!

and when he did his martial arts move as shark boy, man i knew he's got skills , he somersaults and kills those 'plugs' with those high flying kicks.

You should watch the show 'Lava Girl and Shark Boy'

he starred in cheaper by a dozen 2 and Twilight series.

go catch it.. oh btw.. check out dakota fanning in twilight: new moon. she looked damn sophisticated.

Saturday, September 12, 2009 9/12/2009 10:20:00 PM

lesson no. 50

there isnt any lesson that i specifically wish to address but i just feel like blogging.

however, if you feel that there is a tinge of lesson for u to bring home, take it.
and tell me if there is.

:D

i've been dreaming lately... alot of dreams in a night.. and yesternight was like the most i feel... cant even sleep. i am conscious of myself tosing and turning in my bed.
i even dreamt abt the guy who's selling the bao below my house...

is there no other ways to keep myself in the deep sleep stage?

i seriously need that. perhaps i'm eating too much of the DHA capsules... wrong usage. haha!

i know why i keep thinking of the bao guy (above) perhaps it's the mixture of how i feel. well i talked to Ben.L. and i realised that we're just friends only. cos he said night 'pal'.

so i thought i'm just being paranoid. misinterpreting all meanings he talked abt.

yes.. let's not be hopeful of such stuff.. it only bring pain. oh, and i believe, to be in a rls, it's going to be so taxing. it's sweet of course, but to think of each other (unconsciously, or unknowingly) is quite torturous...it seems like you cant do your work properly.. unless u're that smart. LIke my fren... Sam. she's cool. i think... oh.. she's one of my fren in jcu...

ok.. yeah. but it's all just speculation. i dun even know how it feels like! i guess i'll just wait till i finish my study before getting into one.. naturally. haha!

ok.. after writing.. nothing special still..

*shrugs* nightsz

Friday, September 11, 2009 9/11/2009 09:43:00 PM

so weak

i've been seriously busy and bored doing my 3000 word essay

it's not an easy feat. 4 day and half i think.. i only wrote 1000 +. not ++. or +++

and here i'm blogging.. but i try to hang on...but i'm losing faith fast.

Who can give me the energy and the inspiration and the sources to write ?? God that is.

I'm praying hard that i will do a good job and do it before the deadline.

I still have my presentation parts to do. I pray that i will analyse all these information fast enough to end before the deadline and be prepared.

Amen.

Saturday, September 5, 2009 9/05/2009 11:57:00 PM

lesson no. 49-appreciates the oldies

On Friday, i was in a bus going back home from school when i saw this really old ah pek with a lady in her 40s-50s. i supposed she's his daughter. how sweet to accompany the dad to take the bus.

However, when i see the ahpeh, he was sleeping. very tired becos of the bumpy ride. hes got a paunch and he seems fragile. however, i see that he's got some charisma. Then i realised that probably we the new generation and youngsters are forgetting that these old pple once had their glorious and youthful days. and sometimes when we talk to them, they will always talk abt their past. how agile were they, how fun they were and the great moments they went thru before... and we always think that they are such a bore or they are very long winded to repeat what they said before.

why? all becos they missed their days. sometimes we need to think of these processes before we judge an old person. if not they are quite pitiful, and we wouldnt want some youngsters to treat us badly when it's our turn to be old. :D

empathize. not sympathize