i think thats jap for substandard.. not up to the standard (according to that bloody ben)

so yup we were at starbucks.. and haha.. one thing to note... i saw a couple (who spoke cantonese) kissing. like literally face to face.. not caring anyone watching them and just beside me!

what the.. even ben told me that they should make out at some other places and not the public.

haha!!!

so ben was talking to his lover gurl and he likes her.. so.. i saw her msn foto.. yeah she's indeed pretty. but ben said.. u want to know what's pretty?? 

he showed me another girl who's on his fb. yeah in deed she's prettier. but of course.. her complexion was oh- so-good, so luscious. but she had some simple make up...

pls... if she's pretty by nature.. a simple make up would of course make her more beautiful. ppl like me, simple or thick make up wont make a diff... becos she's she, and me's me.

i'm not her! i may be lamenting abt my imperfections and everything abt myself, but at least i have self esteeM? i have my pride! i may be ugly, but so what?? i know i am.. but do you have to spell it out??

(in general) comparing a pretty gal with an ugly girl (subjective) is just so unfair to the ugly girls.

Sometimes i do dislike some not so pretty gals.. but i always reflect.. why did i even have that thought?? everyone has their own life and they deserved to be appreciated.  i always feel guilty abt that.

so if someone comes around to tell me that, my make up was TOO MUCH, (when at first i said that pretty gal's got make up on anw) (and whati meant was, she's beautiful, dun compare me with her)

just becos i was compared to a beautiful girl... what does that mean??

i was deeply hurt at that moment. i feel like crying but i just held back and do my work... and he kept saying... oh angry le, you angry ah... yeelee angry oh... eh. .you angry ah.

wtf! cant you bloody tell??? do you have to keep asking and emphasizing on that?? you should bloody hell shut your mouth oready becos u should realise that u have no right to even comment on someone's make up when it was meant for her bday!??

ya i may be putting on too much make up... but .. your tone!!! the timing?!?! it's alll so wrong!!!

so what if you know alot abt fashion?? so whatif you got general knowledge? so what if youve seen the world more than i have.??

of course, i told him i am not.. and went on with my work..... *i was toned down abit by then*

so yup... he treat me to bakerzin cake.. i wonder why.. he told me he's got 800 plus dollar in his bank so he can treat... ok.. fine.. thanks

of course i'm grateful for his treat.. cos that piece of ambrosia( i think it's spelt that way) was 6.50 w.o gst..

but before that.. he was looking at some  set meal... i was asking him what he ordered, he said.. shut up.. (in a teasing way ofcourse) 

but, hello???    i'm just being nice here!? i'm just curious what you ordered.... and perhaps we can talk abt something related?? he told me to shut up.. a few times...

so i was on the verge of slapping him.. and i told him that.. he said. .ok, come and slap me lor.. come..

yes.. my mind just instinctively instigated my hand to go over and sweep across his face.. and yes i slapped...

i was abhorred at what i did... that instant when i land my hand, i felt guilty. i shld have better control of my EQ.  he was kinda shocked.. but i just told him that he deserved it cos he said slap me. 

he was.. sad i think.. cos he was going to treat me... (yet to order cake) and yet i return him with a slap... yes i know that's ungrateful.. but oh well.. i felt bad..

ok.. so after eatingthe cake... he finishing the spaghetti, we talked abt something like whati want to do.. and what goals  i have.. and if i were to help pple, i shouldnt earn the money thru counselling. .cos that's not truly helping..

and he kept saying 'your problem is this... etc..'

the thing here that i am pissed of  was the phrasing... 'your prob..'

yes i know.. you're tryin to show me what i was saying, how illogical.. or how inconsistent is it with my goal..etc.. but prob he should phrase his sentence like.. now.. what you're thinking and saying is abit inconsistent.. prob u want to review what u mean?? becos it's not really abt making money from those clients that u wanted, when you said you wanted to help them at first.. so does that mean that your main aim or priority should be purely out of good heart to help them?

..sigh... and i kept thinking abt the slapping part.. was i wrong?

after much thought.. until nw that i posted this blog, i felt no guilt anymore.. becos he deserved that.. not for the phrasing issue.. but the comparison issue.

a slap in exchange for my pride and self-esteem worth it all.

i do admit that i have low self esteem.. but nevertheless. i have my pride.